well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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