you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
