it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
