I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
