I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
