Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
