Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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