he puts the penis in happiness.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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