I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
