totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
