did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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