Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
