Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
