I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i came on her dog
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
