google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
