They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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