Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.