We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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