i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
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Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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