Tell her she can't have a vagina
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
