I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
