I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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