someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So much rum. So many feels.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
