You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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