all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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