i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
