seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
