Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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