oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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