I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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