I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
