Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
