I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
