Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
