the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
