wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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