I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
