I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
