And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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