i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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