I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
