My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
