Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
