Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
