Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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