Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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