You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
