Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
