I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
