you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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