My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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