u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
only if we run a train.
done.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
