I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
