today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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