hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
