Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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