chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
