It's like God shit irony all over that family
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
