at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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