Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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