The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
