you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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