I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.