You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
