Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
so much tequila, so little girl.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
