She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
