I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Someone came in the potted fern
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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